


FEAR

by Arnaa



Category: The Sentinel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-01
Updated: 2010-11-01
Packaged: 2017-10-13 00:38:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/130877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arnaa/pseuds/Arnaa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair doesn't stay in the truck one time too many.</p>
            </blockquote>





	FEAR

**FEAR**

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###  **Jim was calm now. Calm.** ****  
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**He continued the kundalini breathing exercises Sandburg had taught him for a little longer, just to make sure. And then, because he was so calm, he voiced his question in a very calm, very reasonable, roar.** ****  
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**"WHICH PART OF 'STAY HERE' DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!"** ****  
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**Blair winced--partly from the assault on his eardrums, and partly from the sting of the antiseptic the paramedic busily applied to the messy gash over his left cheek and temple. "I know what you said but I thought--"** ****  
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**"That's the trouble here Sandburg--you *didn't* think! You *never* think!"** ****  
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**"'Never' is a little harsh--"** ****  
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**"You're an *observer*! That means you're supposed to stay where I tell you and *observe* what's happening! It does *not* mean you charge out into the open in the middle of a shoot-out--"** ****  
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**"It was hardly a charge--"** ****  
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**"Shut up!" The image of Blair sprawled on the ground, blood covering his face, would haunt Jim to the end of his days. "Half an inch to the right you moron, and you'd be permanently dead!"** ****  
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**"All right, all right, I should have stayed put." Blair held up his hands, palms out in a gesture of surrender. "I'm sorry, okay?"** ****  
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**Jim reached over and ripped the blood-splattered ID card from Blair's jacket. "Sorry doesn't cut it this time Chief."** ****  
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**"Hey!" His startled protest bounced off Jim's back as he strode across the wet tarmac towards Simon.** ****  
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**"You need stitches in that wound, hero!" the paramedic shouted after Blair. He dealt with that by simply ignoring her and ran to catch up with his partner. "What's that about?"** ****  
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**"You're the scholar Sandburg. You figure it out."** ****  
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**"You're revoking my access to the department?" Disbelief raised the pitch of Blair's voice. "Look, I realise you're upset, but you need me--"** ****  
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**"No, I don't." Jim stopped walking and turned to face him so abruptly they almost collided. "What I need is a partner who knows how to follow orders, who doesn't risk the safety of the rest of the unit because he has to be protected when he pulls idiotic stunts."** ****  
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**"Okay, so I'll be a totally reformed character. I'll stay exactly where you put me until you say different."** ****  
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**"It's too late for that." He ignored the pain in Blair's eyes, instead focusing on the ugly gash across his face to remind himself why this had to be done. "From now on, any officer even sees you in the street outside headquarters, they'll use your head for a basketball."** ****  
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**"Jim--"** ****  
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**"Leave me alone." Gripping the ID card so tightly the plastic edges cut into his skin, he made himself turn from his partner. "Just go away and leave me alone."** ****  
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**He didn't stop walking until he reached Simon. Grim-faced, the captain held out his hand, and it took Jim a moment to remember what he was supposed to do next. Unclenching his fist, he dropped the ID card into the waiting hand. The movement stung his fingers, and he turned his own hand over to discover the cause.** ****  
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**A drop of blood seeped from a cut the plastic edge had made in his index finger, and he watched it trickle down to his palm. There it mixed with the blood smeared on his skin from the ID tag, and for the first time he risked a glance over his shoulder.** ****  
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**He saw wet tarmac, and in the distance a plane, jet engines screaming as it began climbing towards the sky. In front of the warehouse, paramedics packing up their supplies, police cars with flashing lights, and a van leaving the scene with their prisoners.** ****  
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**And no Blair.** ****  
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**Squawking for their lawyers, offenders were booked and the interrogations took place when said lawyers arrived. Paperwork was completed then triple checked to make sure every 'T' was crossed exactly halfway down and every 'I' had the dot exactly above it. No-one was willing to risk even the slightest chance of a procedural foul up allowing this scum back on the streets.** ****  
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**And finally Jim sat at his desk in the empty bullpen, scowling at his blank computer monitor. He only looked up when Simon stopped next to him.** ****  
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**"Go on home," the captain ordered. "There's nothing left to be done tonight."** ****  
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**"Yeah."** ****  
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**"Look, it had to be done before the kid got himself killed."** ****  
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**"I know." Jim sighed. "You know that big eyed puppy dog look he gets when he's trying to talk you into doing something he knows you don't want to do?"** ****  
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**Simon did indeed know 'the look'. He'd fallen victim to it more than once himself. "What about it?"** ****  
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**"This morning he looked at me like a puppy dog that's just been kicked in the head by his only friend." Jim shivered at the memory. "You remember how it used to be around here before he came?"** ****  
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**A nostalgic smile creased Simon's lips. "Oh yeah."** ****  
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**"I used to think, every time he made me crazy, that I'd like it to go back to being that way again. And now it is--I mean, he's** _**really** _ **not here, not just at the university or whatever, when I know he's going to show up sometime. And it makes me even crazier than he does."** ****  
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**This time Simon sighed. The same feeling had dogged him all day. "Still, he's had all day to think about what happened. He should have learned his lesson."** ****  
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**"If he hasn't, I'm going to start handcuffing him in place."** ****  
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**"I'll requisition you extra pairs of handcuffs." Simon patted him commiseratingly on the shoulder. "Why don't you go home now and put Sandburg out of his misery?"** ****  
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**"Yeah, guess I should." Jim stood up and reached for his jacket. "Maybe a week's suspension is too long-"** ****  
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**"He's damn lucky it's not permanent! And tell him when he gets back, I plan to discuss the subject with him before I return his ID."** ****  
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**"That'll give him something to think about for the rest of the week."** ****  
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**The two men left the room together, chuckling at that thought.** ****  
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**The green Volvo was in its usual parking spot when Jim pulled up in front of the loft. No lights showed in the windows, and as he climbed the stairs, he found himself listening for sounds that would locate his temporarily suspended partner. And frowned when he heard nothing, not even a heartbeat.** ****  
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**When he unlocked the door, he knew by the feel of the place that it was empty. Still, as he flipped on the light, he called out, "Sandburg, you here?"** ****  
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**The note sat on the kitchen counter, black writing on a page torn from a notebook. And on the centre of the note lay a set of keys.** ****  
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**Blair's keys.** ****  
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**Jim couldn't move. He knew he had to pick up the note and read whatever it said, but his whole attention was riveted on the metal gleaming in the overhead light.** ****  
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**Blair had left his keys.** ****  
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**With a shaking finger, Jim finally pushed the keys off the paper. The note underneath was written in Blair's usual scrawl, made even untidier by haste.** ****  
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__**Jim** ****  
**Managed to grab a seat on the afternoon flight to Borneo to join the archaeological dig with Dr Stoddard.** ****  
**Naomi will come by in the next few days for the Volvo and the stuff in my room.** ****  
**Sorry I messed up so bad. I hope you'll be talking to me again by the time I get back next year.** ****  
**Take care, Blair** ****  
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**Useless and irrelevant questions flitted through the small part of Jim's brain that still functioned.** ****  
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**How had Blair, the perennial student, paid for the flight?** ****  
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**Didn't he need to get a visa, and all the other time-consuming, bureaucratic pieces of paper people had to collect before they went some place like Borneo?** ****  
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**What about shots? Wasn't there a list of inoculations you had to have before you went swinging through the jungle?** ****  
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**How could he just pick up and go like that, in the middle of the semester when he had classes to teach?** ****  
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**And how had he...? The question trailed off into nothingness as his brain shut down all rational thought.** ****  
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**Jim had no idea how long he just stood there, the note crushed in his fist, struggling to breathe around searing pain where his heart used to be. And when his knees slowly gave way, he managed to turn himself around so he slid down the side of the counter to the floor.** ****  
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**With his back against the counter for support, he closed his eyes. That morning he'd forgotten all the painfully learned lessons of his childhood, forgotten to keep his temper in check, his emotions buttoned down. He'd yelled at Blair, let him see--** _**really** _ **see --what he was like inside and now the one who had become his partner, best friend and guide was gone.** ****  
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**The coldness crept outwards from the centre of his being, seeping into his bones. Jim drew his legs up towards his body, wrapped his arms around them and rested his forehead on his knees. Black guilt etched itself on into his soul like acid as he welcomed the darkness and despair washing over him. He deserved it all.** ****  
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**Rocking slowly back and forth, he listened to the cry of anguish echoing through the loft. A pause long enough to draw breath then there it was again. He wished whoever it was would stop--the hurting in the keening wail scoured his already breaking heart.** ****  
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**And finally realised the one crying out was himself.** ****  
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**Eternal night enclosed him, pulling him gently down into the bottomless void, seducing him with whispered promises of a place where the pain would end. Part of him knew his life would also end there--knew the promised peace was a lie, because even that wouldn't be enough to pay the forfeit demanded by his guilt.** ****  
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**From somewhere beyond the edge of the smothering darkness, almost past the range of even his Sentinel hearing, another voice called him. The dark promises grew louder, almost drowning it out, but still the voice persisted. It became somehow familiar, offering promises of life and hope, of being loved and needed.** ****  
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**"Jim!  Hey, Jim!" He recognised the voice now. "Come on buddy, follow my voice back. You can do it. Just follow my voice and come on back..."** ****  
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**"Wha'?" He blinked in the light of his bedside lamp, then joy flooded his soul. His fingers closed around Blair's wrist. "You came back!"** ****  
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**"I nev--ow!"** ****  
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**"Sorry." Jim released his grip and pushed himself up into a sitting position, staring at the man perched on the side of his bed. "When did you get back? What made you change your mind?"** ****  
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**"Jim, I have no idea what you're talking about. I never went anywhere."** ****  
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**"Yes, you did. You went to Borneo 'cause I yelled at you for getting shot."** ****  
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**"Sheesh, if I went to Borneo every time you yelled at me, I'd never be able to come home." Blair grimaced at the mental image that concept produced. "You made the paramedics take me to the hospital and gave the doctors a hard time for not admitting me for the night, remember?"** ****  
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**"I did?" Jim frowned at the patch of white gauze covering most of the left side of Blair's face, and memory trickled back. "Oh yeah, I did."** ****  
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**"That must have been some dream you were having. You were yelling loud enough to wake the dead."** ****  
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_**Yelling like a soul in torment,** _ **he added silently.** _**For a moment there I wasn't sure I could bring you back.** _ ****  
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**Jim scrubbed a hand over his face. "I was asleep?"** ****  
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**"Yup. Out like a light the minute we got home."** ****  
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**"Oh." For the first time, Jim noticed Blair was wearing what passed for his night gear. "I woke you up. Sorry."** ****  
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**"No problem. That's what friends are for, right? And to make you herbal tea to help you relax."** ****  
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**"I'm fine, Sandburg. I don't need any tea that smells like last week's garbage and tastes even worse."** ****  
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**"Humour me on this one, okay? It's a new mix--you might even like it."** ****  
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**"Don't hold your breath."** ****  
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**Blair laughed, then winced as the movement hurt his face. "When I get back with that tea, we're going to talk about what happened this morning."** ****  
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**"I'm fine--"** ****  
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**"Yeah, that's why you're having nightmares." He stood up and headed for the stairs. "Dreams are the way the mind deals with what happened during the day. You can't suppress emotions when you're asleep, you know."** ****  
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**"Spare me the Psyche 101 lecture, puh-lease."** ****  
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**"Okay, but when I get back with that tea, we're going to talk about how you felt this morning. And I don't mean about you being mad at me then, 'cause I already got that part."** ****  
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**Jim's next words were barely audible, and stopped him in his tracks. "You scared the hell out of me today Chief."** ****  
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**Blair looked back over his shoulder at his partner and best friend, watching him solemnly for a long moment. Then he nodded, acknowledging what it had cost to make that admission. "I hear you."** ****  
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**And in that moment, Jim knew that he did. Knew that he had heard beyond the words, both the ones spoken and the ones that remained unsaid.** ****  
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**"I scared me pretty good too," Blair added as he continued down the stairs.** ****  
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**Jim settled back against the pillows and listened to the sounds Blair made putting the kettle on to boil.** ****  
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**His world was right again.** ****  
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**The End** ****  
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